ABC: Please introduce yourself to the court, sir
XYZ: My name is Dr. Kogberegbe Smart. I am a professional coroner.
ABC: As a coroner, do you perform autopsies?
XYZ: (Visibly irritated) Well, in “dull-man” language, as a coroner, I open up dead bodies to determine the cause and time of their death. Is that simple enough?
ABC: (Embarrassed) Please, Dr. Smart, try to live up to your name by being smart enough to answer questions put to you without insulting anyone.
XYZ: Noted. My apologies. But do well to ask questions that are worth my time.
ABC: (Slighted, clenches teeth but talks with restraint) I’ll let that pass. Dr. Smart, after dissection of the victim’s body, you declared her to have died on Friday at “10.05AM or thereabout”. Is there any chance that your “thereabout” allows for a dead lady to be caught same day on a 6.37PM footage in a boutique where she was seen to be trying on hot bikinis?
XYZ: (Animated) Hot bikinis? Gracious me! Well, with hot bikinis, one can never tell, as anything is possible, really. Bikinis can make the dead to rise, as is often the case with Little Smart behind my zipper.
*(Court erupts in laughter. Judge bangs the gavel on his desk with a smile he tries unsuccessfully to hide. A few more chuckles here and there and silence returns.)*
ABC: (Looking up) Your Honour… (Judge interrupts)
Judge: Dr. Smart, you may take this as your first and last warning. I shall not sit here and allow you ridicule my court or treat it with contempt.
XYZ: (Bows with a mischievous smile) I’m sorry, Your Honour. That was never my intention.
*(Judge signals to counsel to continue)*
ABC: You have yet to address my question, Dr. Smart. What does your “thereabout” allow for in the context given?
XYZ: (Scratches head) In usual circumstances, it allows for plus or minus one hour. However, bikini situations are unusual situations, so you would understand my unusual helplessness in the light of this. (Raises eyebrows and an index finger) By the way, most amiable counsel, any chance I could see this footage of which you speak? I mean, the particular scene where she’s trying on bikinis in all her glory, unembellished, etc, etc — any chance?
*(Court erupts in laughter again, this time a wild one. Judge laughs, too, while slamming the gavel on the desk continuously. Noise persists.)*
Judge: (Shouting) Let’s go for a 15-minute recess. (Chuckles and drops the gavel)
~~~ Omoya Yinka Simult